The Little Miss Third Grader Pageant
by Kenny's Goddess
Summary: It's Lily and her pals against Wendy and her friends, or so they think...^_^


The Little Miss Third Grader Pageant  
  
There was nothing that terrified Stan more then hospitals. He felt the old fear rising inside of him as he was walking down the brightly lit hallway towards his sister's room, slowly gnawing the back of his mind. His breath quickened in his chest and his heart was galloping along at an alarming pace as he walked, the fear slowly taking over his mind. He placed his hand on the wall to steady himself as stopped, on the brink of raw terror. That was when the voice took over.   
  
He hadn't given a name to the voice yet, mainly because he didn't want to believe that the voice was real. But, here it was, and it started talking to him now, as he leaned back against the wall, trying to calm himself.  
  
"Stan," it sneered. "Afraid of hospitals, are we?"  
  
He tried to ignore it at first and continued walking down the hallway, but it wouldn't die that easily. It snickered cruelly at him.  
  
"You know," it whispered. "If you hadn't shot your sister you wouldn't be here right now..."  
  
"Shut up," Stan muttered to it. The voice continued as if it hadn't heard him.  
  
"You could be watching Terrance and Phillip with your friends..."  
  
"Stop it," Stan said, terrified. It paid no heed.  
  
"Or you could be just having a hang out day, you and Lily...but you had to go and shoot her...tisk tisk, Stanley-"  
  
"Fuck you," he whispered. "Leave me alone, you bastard." The voice let out a high, cruel laugh. It echoed throughout Stan's head, reverberating off the sides of his skull. But at least after that, it was silent. He took his hand off the wall and started to walk again, but not before noticing that his hand has been shaking. He looked around himself, eyes moving rapidly, then let out a small sigh of relief. His parents must have still been in the lobby, since they weren't around right now.  
  
"Thank God," he whispered softly to himself. "Thank God they weren't around to see-" He stopped suddenly, listening. There was a loud pattering of feet behind him, like someone was running for their life. He turned around and ran smack into a girl. The force knocked them both off their feet and Stan landed hard on his back. He sat up and shook his head, trying to get the stars out of his eyes. He looked over and the breath caught in his throat. Sitting on the floor was...the most pitiful sight he had ever seen.  
  
The girl was no more then his age, he could tell. She was sitting on the floor, with her hair in front of her face, head hung. Stan could tell by the sounds that she was making that she was...crying. He got up, brushed himself off and then walked over to her.  
  
"Umm...hey," he mumbled, embarrassed. She jumped nearly twenty feet in the air and then hastily rubbed her eyes.   
  
"Oh, hello," she said quickly. "I'm really, really, sorry about that, it was an accident, please forgive me-"  
  
"It's all right," Stan said kindly, offering her his hand. She took it gratefully and he pulled her up. The two of them stared at each other for a minute and then she looked away, starting to blush. Stan looked at her curiously, and then smiled a little. She looked back at him, her face haggard. He wondered what could have gotten this poor kid into such a state. He took it upon himself to ask her then.  
  
"What's wrong?" he asked softly. "I've never seen someone so upset that they didn't even know where they were going." He gave her a little smile after that, but she only returned it weakly. She blinked, and he could see the tears shining in her eyes again.  
  
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Stan said quickly. "I understand-"  
  
"No, it's okay," she whispered. "I can tell you." She smiled a little and held out her hand. "By the way, my name's Artemis, but you can call me Artie, all my friends do." Stan grabbed her and they shook.  
  
"I'm Stan," he said. "Nice to meet you, Artie." She smiled back, but she looked a little distracted. Like it was something about who he was that had set her off. He caught her peering at him curiously and she blushed furiously.  
  
"What is it?" Stan asked. "I've never seen anyone so worked up, not even my sisters!" Artemis burst into tears then.  
  
"I'm so sorry!" she wailed. "I couldn't warn you in time! Or her in time! I didn't mean it, I had to wait, my mom couldn't-" Stan placed his hands on her shoulders and held her back.  
  
"Woah, woah, woah, calm down!" he cried. "What the hell are you talking about?"  
  
"About what happened to Lily!" she cried. Stan stared at her, stunned.  
  
"About..." he swallowed a seemingly gigantic lump in his throat and then continued. "Lily? My sister?" She nodded miserably.   
  
"I've been trying to convince my mom to let me go to South Park Elementary for the past week now," she said. "So I could tell her about what was going to happen. I only finally convinced her to let me go yesterday. So, I start school with you guys tomorrow." She smiled a little, but Stan could only give her a ghost of one back. She sighed and then continued.  
  
"I moved here from France when I was about four," she said wistfully. "My sister was born after we got here, so she's a full-fledged American, I guess." She smiled. "Not me, though. Je suis francaise, je ne suis pas americaine. But, I live right on the South Park/North Park border, so I can go to either school. I was very unsure of myself and didn't know where to go, but then I met this girl named Crissy. And she seemed like the best thing that had happened to me. She was fun to be with, she was friendly, and we soon became best friends. She went to North Park, so, I decided to go there with her. Big mistake." She sighed and shook her head. "There she met a bunch of other girls, and they formed this group called the Skipping Bitches-"  
  
"Hey, some of the girls in my school have a group that goes by the exact same name!" Stan cried. Artemis nodded, like this wasn't anything new to her.  
  
"There are a lot of groups called the Skipping Bitches," she said ominously. "They're a world wide clan that started a few years ago in the state of New Jersey. The idea spread like wildfire through the country, and now...there are clans of stupid girls everywhere."  
  
"And I thought that cheerleaders took care of that," Stan said somberly. Artemis smiled a little, and then continued her story.  
  
"And after Crissy met these other girls, she turned into a stupid, giggly, dumbass slut. I can't even stand her, but she forced me to join the clan. She started to use me for the group's image...and then she just stopped being my friend all together. Then, this girl named Wendy-"  
  
"My girlfriend," he whispered, interrupting. She nodded her head.  
  
"Yes, you girlfriend, called her up and asked us all to come down to her house, where the South Park sect of the Skipping Bitches was meeting up to discuss something and that she needed her help. So, she rounded us all up and told us to go down to her house. That's when I found about the plot to kill your sister," she said miserably, the tears back in her eyes now. "I didn't want them to kill her, but every time I was going to say something they would hit me...and then I didn't warn her in time..." She started to cry again then.   
  
"I'm so sorry, Stan," she sobbed. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen..." Stan sighed and then lowered his head.  
  
"It's not your fault, Artie," he whispered. "If it's anybody's fault...it's mine." Artemis looked up at him, shocked.  
  
"Your fault?" she said. "Stan, none of this was your fault. Wendy and her little friends pushed you into doing that to her. I think they said that it had something to do with a juicer..." Stan winced, bringing his hand down over his balls.  
  
"Yeah," he said. "They said that if I didn't do it they would put my balls in a juicer." Artemis placed her hand over her mouth to stifle her giggles. Stan shot her a glare.  
  
"What?" he said. "It wasn't funny, and my sister had to be in a goddamn hospital for four days because of it!" Artemis looked down to the ground somberly.  
  
"Oh yeah...but seriously Stan, don't blame yourself, okay? If there was any one person that was at fault then it would have to be that Wendy girl." Stan sighed and then nodded slightly.  
  
"Yeah...but she's my girlfriend, and I love-"  
  
"Do you really love her, Stan?" she asked suddenly, looking over at him. "Or are you just afraid of what she will do if you calls it quits with her." Stan looked taken aback by her question. He lowered his eyes from her and stood, transfixed, for a moment. Then he looked back up at her, his face a mask of sadness.  
  
"I thought I loved her at one point," he said, his voice practically a whisper. "But, after what she did...she doesn't really care about me after all. If her and I were ever going to have a long-term relationship, then her and Lily would have to be a part of each other's lives everyday. And I am not going to give up the newly found life I have with my sister over some jackass girl." He looked over at Artemis and smiled. "You opened my eyes to what she really was, Artie. I can't thank you enough for what you did." She looked over and smiled back.  
  
"It was no problem," she said softly. "I just felt terrible about what happened with Lily-" Stan looked at her, his face suddenly shocked.  
  
"Holy shit, I totally forgot about her!'" he said, racing down the hall. Artemis tore off after him. He turned to her as he was running, panting slightly.  
  
"I told Mom and Dad that it wouldn't take more then five minutes...oh shit, they are going to kick my ass!" Artemis giggled a bit.  
  
"I'll just tell them that I was what was taking so long and that you had to help me find someone," she said. Stan smiled.  
  
"You will?" he asked. "That would make me and Lily's life so much easier right now..." She shrugged.  
  
"No problem," she said, and then a smile broke out on her face. "Anyway, I wanna see what your sister looks like."  
  
~*~  
  
Lily rolled over in her bed, wincing slightly at the pain in her side. She heard footsteps walking-no, running down the hall in her direction. She sighed, hoping it wasn't Cartman back with more flowers. She had so many flowers around her bed that she thought she was going to be sick. She happily surprised though, when she saw that it was Stan who burst into the room.  
  
"Lily! Shit, I am so sorry-" Stan said, but she wasn't paying attention. She was looking behind him at a girl. She squinted her eyes a little bit and then stared at her again.  
  
"Who's that?" Lily asked almost carelessly, to hide her interest. Stan looked as if he were about to introduce her, but she came forward and sat in a chair by her bed.  
  
"Hi..." she said shyly. "My name's Artemis...but you can call me Artie. I don't think you know me; I go to North Park, or I did until now..." Lily shook her head.  
  
"No, I don't know you," she said, and then gave her a little smile. "Anyway, Artie, I'm Lily Marsh. That oaf of a person standing over there is-"  
  
"Your brother Stan, I know," she said with a smile. "I ran into him on my way up here. He showed me the way to your room."  
  
"Hi Lily," Stan said, waving to her. Lily lifted a hand in return.  
  
"Hey there," she said. "Miss me yet, or did you finally decided that it looked suspicious that you never came to see your sister?" Stan lowered his eyes.  
  
"Lily, I'm sorry I never visited you...but to tell you the truth, I didn't think I could face you after what I did..." he said, his eyes slightly misty. Lily looked over at him and lost all the hardness in her voice.  
  
"Aww Stan, I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to sound cruel, but it hurt. Everyone else came to see me and the only time you did was when they first brought me here. I thought that you hated me...or you still wanted me dead or something." Stan shook his head violently.  
  
"No!" he exclaimed fiercely. "No, Lily, I never wanted to hurt you; Wendy and Bebe threatened me with my life! Or the life of my dick! Ask Artie, that's why she's here!" Lily looked over at her, shocked.  
  
"You know what's behind this whole plot on my life?" she asked her incredulously. Artemis nodded miserably.  
  
"I wish I could have told you sooner!" she exclaimed, and then proceeded to tell her the entire story about what Wendy and Bebe had done. When she was finished, she looked over at her face. Lily was looking down at the white sheets, one finger slowly wrapping itself up in them. Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears, but when she looked up, her eyes were dry.  
  
"Thanks for trying, Artemis," she whispered. "That's all that mattered, was that you tried. None of this is your fault." She looked up at Stan too. "And it isn't your fault either, Stan." Stan looked at her and a relieved smile broke out on his face.  
  
"Phew!" he said. "I'm glad you don't think so! I was so worried that you would hate me for the rest of my life..." Lily grinned.  
  
"Oh, I still hate you," she said. "But I don't blame you for what happened." Stan giggled.  
  
"I hate you more," he said. Lily sat up, wincing slightly.  
  
"No, I hate you with a passion!" she cried. Artemis looked between the two and started to giggle herself.  
  
"No, I hate both of you the most!" she said. Lily and Stan both looked at her, and then back at each other. Stan smiled and then ran over to the side of her bed and pulled her out.  
  
"Come on, Lily, you're going home," he said. Lily landed on the floor with a bump.  
  
"Ouch!" she cried. "Stan, be careful, you little bastard! That hurt!" He reached down and lifted her up.  
  
"Ahh, shut up, Lily," he said as he put an arm around her, helping her out the door.  
  
"Fuck off, Stan," she replied. Artemis followed them, a small smile in her face. She couldn't wait to start school with them tomorrow.  
  
~*~  
  
"Dude, where the hell is Stan?" Kyle asked at the bus stop, looking around. "The bus could be here any minute now and he's still not around!"  
  
"Ahh, the bus is never on time," Kenny said, sighing. "But I wish it was...we're going to start the pageant as soon as we get there..."  
  
He looked like he was about to swoon, but Cartman kicked him in the shins.  
  
"Hey!" he cried. Kyle sniggered.  
  
"Dammit Kenny, you are always thinking about sex!" he said. Kenny shot him a glare.  
  
"Well, at least I spend time with the women I'm with," Kenny retorted. "What, you've been going out with Colleen for about a week or two now and I haven't seen you guys together once!" Kyle scoffed.  
  
"Heh, spending a little time each day with a girl is better then fucking them and running," he retorted.  
  
"Why you little-"  
  
"LILY!" Cartman yelled, running over towards her and Stan, who were walking towards the bus stop. Kyle and Kenny temporarily forgot their battle and both looked up. Lily was waving at Cartman, smiling. Stan was just rolling his eyes.  
  
"Oh Jesus, the bitch is back!" Kenny muttered. Kyle nudged him the ribs.  
  
"Aww, you like Lily as much as the rest of us and you know it, so shut up," he replied. Kenny grinned.  
  
"Heh, I have to do something to hide it..." They both looked back over towards where Cartman was running. He ran over to Lily and flung his arms around her.  
  
"Lily! Oh, I'm very glad to see you!" he cried.   
  
"AHH!" Lily shouted, practically falling over. "I know you're glad to see me, Cartman, and I'm glad to see you too, but damn! Could you at least be a little gentler?" Cartman let do, looking sheepish.  
  
"Oh...sorry," he said, embarrassed. "I guess I just got a little carried away...dud you get all my flowers?" Lily grinned and nodded.  
  
"All twenty bouquets of them?" she asked. "Yup!" She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "That was sweet of you, Carty-" The others started to laugh hysterically.  
  
"Did...did you just call him what I thought you did?" Stan asked, gasping for breath. Lily looked at him, confused.  
  
"What? Carty?" The three boys started to laugh harder.  
  
"Oh...my...God!" Kyle laughed. "You did! You called him Carty!"  
  
Lily glared at them from over Cartman's shoulder as they laughed.  
  
"I would stop laughing if I were you," she muttered. Kenny looked over at her, tears streaming down his face.  
  
"Why?" he giggled. "You going to kill me or something?" Lily narrowed her eyes.  
  
"Maybe," she said. "Or maybe I'll just...umm..."  
  
"Hehe, can't think of anything, can you Lily?" Stan said, grinning.  
  
"Shut up," she retorted. "I'll think of something!" She was still muttering to herself as the bus pulled up. She boarded and immediately noticed a new face sitting in the seat farthest back. She recognized her as the girl that had come with Stan to see her in the hospital, Artemis. She walked back there and sat down next to her.  
  
"Hi," she said, looking over at her. "I didn't know that you went here." Artemis looked over and smiled a little.  
  
"I just convinced my mom to let me come a few days ago," she said softly. "I didn't like going to North Park." Lily nodded her head.  
  
"I don't like the North Park kids myself, personally," she said idly. "Mean, nasty creatures. Never know when to keep their damn mouths shut, either." Artemis nodded in agreement.  
  
"Yeah," she said. "All of the girls there are so superficial. They have no respect for the individual." Lily sighed.  
  
"Not many people do," she said. "I mean, take me and Cartman for example. Sure, he's a fat, annoying piece of shit, but I love him anyway. There's just something about him that I am drawn to. I don't think anyone else could satisfy that for me." She looked over at her, her eyes regarding her warmly.  
  
"Is there anyone you have felt that way about?" she asked. Artemis shook her head.  
  
"No," she said. "I've never really felt anything for anyone. Maybe it was because I was never shown love by anyone else besides my family..." She shrugged. "I guess all things come in due time, though." Lily nodded.  
  
"Yeah, they usually do," she said, looking her over. "Anyway, you're cute, so people will like you here. The boys always go ga ga over new women." She grinned. "And as an added bonus, you cam just in time for the Little Miss Third Grader Pageant, so you get to be in that as well. That should get your popularity up." Artemis nodded.  
  
"Maybe," she said. "But I'm not sure if that's what I am looking for. Popularity, I mean. I just want people to accept me." Lily nodded her head.  
  
"Boy, don't I know what that feels like," she said as the bus pulled to a stop. They got off and started walking towards the school. "When I moved here from Vermont, I had just come from a place where people had only liked me for what I looked like. And then, when I came here, I found out that people think the same thing where ever you live." She sighed and opened the door for Artie. "It really sucks, but you just learn to ignore it after a while." She glanced over at her.  
  
"Are you going to enter the pageant?" she asked. Artemis shrugged.  
  
"I may," she said. "People here don't really know me yet, so I'm not sure if this would be a very good first impression-and besides, I am scared shitless of most things..."  
  
"You should," Lily interrupted. "I think people would like you. Can you sing or anything?" Artemis nodded a little.  
  
"I sang in the North Park choir," she said softly, glowing a bright red. "They told me I was their best alto ever...I think they were lying though." Lily's face lit up.  
  
"You're an alto?" she exclaimed excitedly. "I needed an alto to sing with me! I'm a soprano, but no one wanted to sing the harmony part. Do you wanna do it?" Artemis smiled.  
  
"Sure," she said. "What song are we going to be singing though?" Lily grinned.  
  
"Christmas songs," she said. "Since it's pretty close to Christmas time, I figured I was going to do that. We can do a few, if you like." Artemis nodded.  
  
"Okay," she said. "What else do we have to do? Anything?" Lily shrugged.  
  
"I dunno," she said. "I think we have to dress up too. I have a dress in my bag...and I think I might have another one that you can wear." Artemis smiled.  
  
"Cool," she said. "I'll join then...no reason not too." Colleen walked over then, holding a plastic bag in one hand.  
  
"Hey Lily..." She looked over at Artemis. "Who's that?"  
  
"Oh," Lily said. "Artemis, this is my other friend Colleen. Colleen, this is Artemis. She's new here." Colleen smiled.  
  
"Nice to meet you, Artemis," she said. "Are you going to be in the pageant as well?"  
  
"Artie, please," Artemis replied softly. "And yes, I'm going to do that pageant."  
  
"Cool!" she said. "We need more people anyway. Now I think there's...seven of us in it. Right Lily?" She looked over at her. Lily nodded.  
  
"I think so," she said. "You, me, Artemis, and the god forsaken Skipping Bitches." Colleen giggled.  
  
"Those sluts?" she said. "They'll never win!" Lily sighed.  
  
"I wish I could agree with you...but they've been here longer then us. People are afraid of them. I bet they are going to bet the bulk of the votes," she said sadly. Artemis suddenly gasped.  
  
"Not if we have anything to do with it...Lily. Do you know who's controlling the music and the lights?" She nodded.  
  
"Yeah, Stan's doing the music and Kyle's doing the lights...why?" she replied. Artemis grinned.  
  
"Well, if we can get Stan and Kyle to fuck up their music and lighting, then the people are going to laugh at them! Like, if they are singing some crappy Nsync shit and then you get Stan to play Britney Spears or something...that would be funny! And then one of us would be sure to win!" Lily and Colleen smiled.  
  
"What a great idea, Artie!" Lily exclaimed.  
  
"That has to be the smartest thing I have heard all day!" Colleen shouted. The three girls all high-fived each other as they walked to class, planning what they were going to do to the other girls.  
  
~*~  
  
"Hello class," Ms. Ellen said, looking around the classroom. "As you know, today is the day of the Little Miss Third Grader Pageant...hey! Where the hell is Kenny McCormick?"  
  
"He was on the bus," Stan said.  
  
"Yeah," Kyle added. " I saw him there..." Lily shrugged.  
  
"He must be out back getting it on with some fifth grade slut," she said sweetly. Ms. Ellen shot her a glare.  
  
"You shut up, miss," she said. "No one asked you for your opinion!"  
  
"No one asked you to breathe," Lily muttered darkly.  
  
"What was that?" Ms. Ellen asked, getting down in her face. She looked up at him, easily meeting her eye.  
  
"I think you heard me," Lily said calmly. The class gasped.  
  
"Lillian Marsh, do you want to be disqualified?" she shouted. Wendy and her bitches cheered.  
  
"Yeah, disqualify her!" Wendy shouted.  
  
"Make her leave!" Amanda added.  
  
"Kill! Kill! KILL!" Bebe cried.  
  
"Maim her, burn her, send her skinny white ass to HELL!" Kelly screeched. Artemis blinked, then leaned over to Lily.  
  
"Woah...seems like these girls still have that grudge against you," she whispered. Lily grinned.  
  
"Of course they do! And that's what is going to make this pageant so fun! The more I can fuck with their heads the better, right?" she asked, grinning. Artemis gave her a little smile back.  
  
"Well, you should be careful," she said. "They seems like they are going to have shit planned for you today too." Lily nodded.  
  
"I bet you're right," she replied. "They're just those type of people...we better watch out."  
  
"What exactly do we have planned for them today?" Colleen asked her softly. Lily grinned.  
  
"Oh, you'll see," she said, grabbing her things. "Now come on, we have to go to the bathroom and get ready."  
  
None of them wondered where Kenny was.  
  
~*~  
  
Lily sighed, walking into a stall and slamming the door shut, her friends going in on either side of her. She pulled her coat over her head, knocking her flower out of her hair and into the toilet. She heard it hit the water with a little wet splash and felt the droplets hit her thigh.  
  
"Shit," she muttered, and fished it out, glad that it hadn't fallen in there after she had gone to the bathroom.  
  
"What? Colleen asked to the right of her.  
  
"My flower fell in the toilet, that's all," she replied casually. "I pulled it out, no harm done." Artemis giggled.  
  
"Heh, your flower fell in the toilet," she said. "That's pretty funny." Lily smiled a little to herself.  
  
"Yeah, it was, actually," she replied, her heart not really into the banter. She was trying to think about the pageant. She pulled her jacket off over her head and slid her shirt she had on underneath it off, sighing. She pulled her dress out of her backpack, staring at it. It was a pretty violet dress-no, a gown, it was too long to be called a dress, and it fit her well. She tugged it down over her head and let it fall to the floor. She looked down, pleased with the results. She wished she had a full-length mirror in the stall with her as she slipped off her pants and put on her pantyhose, so she could see how she looked. She rooted around her bag farther and found her dress shoes down at the bottom. They looked almost the same as her regular shoes, actually, the only thing that was different about them was that her dress shoes had an inch heel, while her other shoes...well, didn't have any. Then she was done, and she opened the door and walked out of the stall. Artemis and Colleen were still in their respective cubicles getting ready, so she walked over to the mirror and glanced in at herself. She looked pretty much the same, she decided, only she had this frumpy cloth wrapped around her legs.   
  
"I don't think there's anything I hate more in the world then a dress," she muttered to herself as she pulled it down, trying to get herself looking right. She didn't know that Colleen was standing behind her.  
  
"Lily, you look fine," she said. Lily jumped and turned around, staring at her.  
  
"You think?" she asked softly, looking at herself again. Colleen nodded.  
  
"Trust me," she said with a smile. "You're going to win this thing." Lily lowered her eyes and blushed furiously.  
  
"Awww, stop just trying to be nice-"  
  
"I'm not Lily. You are going to win this, I know it!" Lily gave her a small smile.  
  
"Well, I'm glad someone thinks so," she replied. Artemis walked out of her stall then, clad in a little red dress.  
  
"Lily, we all think so," she added in. "God, where has that determination gone? You go out there and you show those bitches who's boss!"  
  
"Yeah!" Lily cried, punching her fist into the air. "I'm going to go out there, and kick everyone else's ass!" Colleen and Artemis cheered.  
  
"That's the spirit!" Colleen shouted. None of them saw the Skipping Bitches enter the room.  
  
"Now let's go out there and show them what were made of!" Lily shouted. All three of them turned around and ran right into their rivals.  
  
"Hey, watch where you're going, bitch," Wendy said scornfully. "Wouldn't want anything to happen to my precious makeup, now would you?" Lily gave her a simpering smile.  
  
"Wendy, I wish nothing more for you to go out there looking like a disfigured clown." She grinned again. "In fact, it would give me great pleasure!" With that she walked out the door, Colleen and Artemis on her heels, leaving Wendy there to simmer in her own juices.  
  
"That little bitch!" she cried as soon as Lily and her pals were out of her hearing range. "Who the fuck does she think she is?"  
  
"I don't know Wendy, but we all know that you are going to win the pageant. You are blonde, you know," Bebe said in a very weak attempt to sound smart. Wendy shook her head and sighed.  
  
"Bebe...for the last time...you are the blonde. Not me. You," Wendy said. Bebe stared at her, not getting it.   
  
"Oh...I get it...you dyed your hair...cool idea, Wendy!" she exclaimed.   
  
"Yeah, that's it," Wendy replied, choosing to ignore her. "Anyway...what to do about Lily...any ideas?" Amanda raised her hand.  
  
"Well, I think I have a plan..."  
  
~*~  
  
The classroom went silent as Lily and her friends entered.  
  
"Jesus H. Tap dancing Christ," Clyde said in awe. "Now I remember why I wanted to come to school today..."  
  
"Hell yeah!" said Terrance. "My dad couldn't have made them better looking even if he added ten asses!"  
  
Lily looked over at the others to see if they were as red as she was. She saw that they were and she sighed and felt a little better about the situation.   
  
"Shut up you horny prepubescent shits," Miss Ellen shouted. "God, have a little bit of common decency..."  
  
"Holy shit," Cartman said softly, staring wide-eyed at Lily. "Lily...you look...pretty..." Lily stared over in his general direction, trying to avoid eye contact.  
  
"Thanks..." she mumbled and walked over to her seat, crimson. Miss. Ellen looked down at her watch and sighed.  
  
"Where the hell are the other girls?" she said, exasperated. "The pageant is going to start in five-"  
  
"We're here, Miss Ellen," Wendy said, walking into the room. Her train of bitches walked in behind her. The class once again went silent, and, Lily felt a pang of jealousy inside of her before she could tell herself how stupid that was.  
  
"Good...take your seats then," she said. Wendy and her band all strutted over to their seats, walking as slowly as possible, trying to hold the attention of the class. As she passed, she shot Lily and evil glare, and muttered under her breath...  
  
"Slut."  
  
She just turned her head and sighed, finding herself staring at Kenny's empty seat.  
  
"I wonder where the hell he got off to..." she whispered to herself, still looking. "I hope he's not dead..."  
  
"What did you say, Lily?" Stan asked from the other side of her. She turned around and smiled disarmingly.  
  
"Oh, nothing really..." she said softly. "Just wondering where Kenny could be, that's all." He shrugged.  
  
"Beats the shit out of me," he replied, but she didn't see that look that passed between him and Kyle. They knew where Kenny was all right...and soon would everyone else.  
  
~*~  
  
"Is everyone in here?" Miss Ellen asked, looking out over her class. They had all migrated down to the cafeteria after an announcement over the PA system told them that the pageant was going to start.  
  
"Yes," the class said.  
  
"No," Lily said simultaneously. Miss Ellen looked up, confused.  
  
"No?" she said. "Who isn't here?" Lily sighed and pointed to Stan, Kyle, and Cartman.  
  
"Who is missing from that picture?" she asked her. Miss Ellen cocked her head and stared for a few minutes. Then, she snapped her fingers.  
  
"Ooh, Pip is absent, isn't he..." she said knowingly. Lily slapped her hand against her forehead.  
  
"No," she said patiently. "Pip is right over there, getting pantsed by Terrance and his gang."  
  
"Oh, this jolly well isn't what I had in mind, fellas..." Pip said as Terrance and them ran off with his pants. "Could I please have them back now?"  
  
The class started to laugh at Pip's misfortune, and then absence of Kenny was forgotten as Principal Victoria came on to the make-shift stage.  
  
"Well, look at how cute we all are today," she said, looking over all the girls. "Aren't we all just precious? Yes we are..." Artemis looked over at Colleen and rolled her eyes. Colleen giggled. Principal Victoria shot them a glare and then continued.  
  
"Yes...well, I am here to tell you what event you are going to be having today...to see which one of you is the best girl of all!" She smiled and cooed over them some more and this time Lily went over to a pole and started to bang her head into it.  
  
"Now now, Lillian, that isn't going to be very good for your complexion," she clucked, looking over at her. Lily raised her head and looked at her levelly.  
  
"Principal Victoria," she said wearily. "Right now, I could honestly care less about my complexion." She smacked her head against the pole one more time and then walked back over to her friends.  
  
"Umm...right," she replied. She turned back to the crowd and smiled. "Now, before I tell you the events-" The students all groaned.  
  
"Well, we're not going to get anywhere with attitudes like that, kids," she said, turning her lower lip down in a pout.  
  
"And we're not going to get anywhere if you don't sit your bitch ass down!" Cartman yelled out. The whole class erupted into laughter at that.  
  
"Young man, how would you like to go to the Principal's office?" Ms. Ellen whispered to him.  
  
"Screw you, you bitch!" Cartman replied. "I'll say what I damn well please!" Ms. Ellen sighed in desperation and leaned over.  
  
"I'll give you a box of Cheesy Poofs if you do," she said.  
  
"Done," Cartman replied. The attention then went back to Principal Victoria who was standing on stage with a little girl.  
  
"As I have been trying to say for the past ten minutes," she said. "We have a new student joining us in the pageant. Please welcome Kennita Lolita Wannita McCormicka!"  
  
The "girl", which was obviously Kenny, minus his hood, in a dress, stepped forward and walked down into the crowd with the other girls. Lily looked over at him...err...her, and rolled her eyes.  
  
"Hello, Kennita," she said sarcastically. "And what town do you hail from?"  
  
"Ooh, I am from...umm...Ethiopia! That's it, I'm Kennita, the British prostitute from Ethiopia!" "she" replied with an obviously fake British accent. Lily nodded her head.  
  
"Uh huh," she said, shaking her head. She could hear Stan and Kyle behind her, laughing hysterically, so she knew this had to be their doing. She leaned over to "Kennita" and whispered, "How much are Stan and Kyle paying you to do this?"  
  
"100 just for doing it, double if I win," Kenny replied and then giggled. "Don't I look glamorous?" He twirled around in the bright pink dress he was wearing. Lily put her hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter.   
  
"You look ridiculous," she whispered and then reached out and grabbed a strand of his hair, which looked like it was supposed to be curled, but was just savagely maimed instead.  
  
"And what the hell happened to your hair?" she cried, rubbing her hand through it. "When the hell did Stan and Kyle have the time to do this to you?" Kenny laughed again.  
  
"Isn't it attractive?" he said, tossing his hair back. "It's the latest style out of Seventeen. It's called...Mangy Locks, and it's for people with beautiful hair that..." He stopped and thought for a second. "AYY! Those bastards gave me ugly hair!" Lily started to laugh hysterically, shaking her head.  
  
"You scare me," she said, chuckling a bit still. Principal Victoria then called for all of their attention again.  
  
"Okay...the first event is the pie eating contest...and here to tell you about the rules is a very special guest...Mr. Matt Lauer!"  
  
Wendy, Bebe, and the rest of the Skipping bitches screamed in ecstasy. Artemis jumped about a mile and ran behind a table and hid, and everyone else just covered their ears.  
  
"Jesus!" Lily cried, rubbing her ears. "Could those dumb broads have yelled any louder?" Matt Lauer too the microphone and spoke then.  
  
"Hello there girls, and welcome to the first event! I'm here to explain the rules of the event to you all!" He looked out over the crowd of girls and smiled his most charming smile. Several of the girls swooned, and still others started to scream in a mad frenzy. Lily looked ready to gouge her eyes out of her skull, while Artemis cowered even further into the corner, the girls scaring the hell out of her. Matt looked confused.  
  
"Girls, girls!" he said, trying to calm them down. "We're not going to get anywhere if you keep acting like this. Chill out!" All of the girls turned up to look at him, eyes wide with adoration. Their mouths stayed shut. He sighed in relief and continued.  
  
"All right. Since we are sort of pressed for time here, the only event we will be having is the talent event! Now, all you have to do in this event is go up there, and perform whatever talent you have." He looked out over the girls, meeting each other their eyes.  
  
"Is this clear?" Several hands shot into the air. Matt nodded.  
  
"Great!" he said. "Now, I'm going to turn the mike over to Principal Victoria again so we can get this show on the road!"  
  
There was a brief smattering of applause as Principal Victoria walked back up on stage and took the mike away from Matt, who proceeded to leave, to the displeasure of most of the girls there.  
  
"All right!" she called out, a huge cheesy grin plastered on her face. "The first talent we'll be having today is...Colleen Sanders! Come on up here, Colleen, and show us what you've got!"  
  
Colleen looked around nervously and walked up onto the stage, pulling on her scarf to try to keep her mind off the crowd. She was holding a piece of paper in her free hand, which looked like it had been folded to death. She cautiously approached the mike and cleared her throat.  
  
"Ummm...I'm going to read you a poem I wrote," she said simply, and then started in, with a huge grin on her face as the girls watched, faces all upturned to see what was happening.  
  
"I like Kyle. He is very pretty. He is the summer of my heart. He is the green grass of my pastures. He is the sweet tasting candy on my tongue at Easter time. I like Kyle. Thank you." She stepped down from the stage, hearts floating over her head, and her eyes only on Kyle. Kyle looked over at her, a look of terror on his face.  
  
"Gaaaah, she's obsessed!" he screamed, and ran from the room. Colleen ran after him, giggling.  
  
"Kyyyyyyyleee! Come back! I loooooooveeee yooouu!" she yelled as she chased him out. Everyone was silent for a minute before Principal Victoria took the mike back, bewildered.  
  
"O...kay...errr...thank you Colleen! And next, we have..."  
  
She went through several acts: Kelly's picking her nose, Wendy and Bebe's makeup lesson, Amanda's tips on fashion, until they finally got to Lily and Artemis, who were the next to last act. Unfortunately, for Lily, Artemis refused to leave the corner she had holed herself into.  
  
"Artemis," Lily hissed. "They just called us on stage, you HAVE to come sing with me!" Artemis looked absolutely terrified at the prospect.  
  
"N-no way am I going out there!" she stammered. "T-they...they'll all make fun of me! They'll l-laugh!"  
  
"Artemis, you said you would do this with me. I can't have you bail on me now!" Lily said, frustrated. Principal Victoria poked her head out, seeming to say "Why the fuck aren't you on stage yet?"  
  
"Hurry up!" she hissed and left. Lily looked back at Artemis pleadingly.  
  
"Artie, \i{pleeeeeeeeease}..." she begged. Artemis shook her head and ran off, practically shaking with fear. Lily sighed angrily and walked out on stage herself, muttering various obscenities under her breath. She grabbed the mike and looked out over the crowd.  
  
"Errrm...my partner bailed on me AT THE LAST SECOND...so...I guess I am going to have to sing by myself-" she started, but Victoria cut her off, walking on stage briskly.  
  
"Sorry Lillian, but if you can't perform your scheduled act, you're disqualified!" she said and proceeded to pick her up and toss her off stage, much to her humiliation, and to the glee of the Skipping Bitches. She got up and brushed herself off, glaring at the giggling girls.  
  
"What the fuck are YOU all laughing at?" she said, and stomped off, not even bothering to stick around for the rest of the show. Wendy and the others looked at each other and grinned.  
  
"This is great!" Bebe exclaimed. "With Lily out of the way you should have no problem winning!" Wendy nodded and rubbed her hands together with glee.  
  
"I told that bitch not to mess with me!" she said. She looked over at Amanda. "I guess we won't be needing the exploding crown now." Amanda looked a little nervous.  
  
"Errrm...well, Wendy, I already got it all set up-" she started, but Wendy cut her off.  
  
"You WHAT?!" Wendy cried. She looked like she was going to go over there and strangle her, but she too was cut off by the arrival of the last contestant on stage.  
  
Kennita Lolita Wannita McCormicka, a.k.a. Kenny McCormick.  
  
"She" walked out onto the stage with an air of confidence around her. Her head high, and a CD player in hand, she looked like she could take on the world.  
  
And she would take on the world. After her performance of Britney Spear's "Hit Me Baby One More Time," with the singing, dancing, and all, "Kennita" brought down the house. Wendy, Bebe, and the other Skipping Bitches sulked angrily from their corner of the audience, listening to all the cheers around them.  
  
"We're done for. Finished!" Wendy cried. "Beaten by an upstart that doesn't even go to this school!" Kelly patted her shoulder sympathetically.  
  
"Well...at least she sang a cool song!" she offered. Wendy shot her a glare and Kelly recoiled meekly. She looked over at Amanda, who was still fidgeting nervously in her seat.  
  
"Amanda," Wendy whispered.   
  
"Yeah?" Amanda replied, looking up at her.  
  
"Is that crown still rigged?" She nodded.  
  
"I told you that I couldn't fix it...but I thought you only wanted to do that for Lily-"  
  
"No!" Wendy cried, cutting her off. "I shall have victory! This is an outrage to the South Park third grade class! I shall not be beaten by some British upstart!"  
  
She looked like she was going to continue ranting when Principal Victoria stepped back out on stage, holding the mike. Everyone in the audience hushed up and turned towards her, eager to hear the results of the contest. She would not disappoint them.  
  
"All right, it's time for me to announce the winners of the Little Miss Third Grader Pageant!" she exclaimed. The crowd roared with cheers, and all the girls (minus Lily, who was off somewhere sulking about her disqualification) chattered amongst themselves nervously.  
  
"In third place...we have...Miss Colleen Sanders! Colleen, would you please come out here?"  
  
There was silence from the girls backstage. Colleen? Colleen wasn't even around right now, how could she have won? Bebe was about to go to up Principal Victoria and tell her just that when Colleen burst through the door, dragging Kyle by the jacket with her, squealing with joy.  
  
"HOORAY! I got third!" she cried joyously, looking down at Kyle. "Isn't that wonderful, my sweet little poopykins?"  
  
"HELP! I'm being molested!" Kyle cried. Colleen ignored this and just dragged him up on stage with her to accept her bouquet of flowers. She waved to the crowd with a grin, and then dragged Kyle back off out of the room, screaming. Principal Victoria beamed and continued with her awards.  
  
"In second place...we have... Miss Wendy Testaburger!" she cried. Wendy stared at the other girls, eyes wide with disbelief. She had lost. She forced a smile and ran out on stage, staying there long enough only to get her chocolate and flowers, and then ran back off stage, furious.  
  
"I can't BELIEVE I didn't win!" she cried angrily. "It's not fair! I had it made! I was going to make it to the top-" She got cut off by the announcement of the first place winner from Principal Victoria.  
  
"And...winner of the first place prize...is...Kennita-" she began, but was stopped by the re-arrival of Lily Marsh. She walked back out onto the stage, taking the mike away from Victoria and using it for herself.  
  
"This is unfair! Don't you guys get it?! "Kennita" isn't Kennita at all! It's really Kenny McCormick!" she cried. The entire audience stared at her, silent. It was Principal Victoria who finally broke the silence, snatching the mike back from her.  
  
"Jealousy is an ugly thing, Lillian Marsh! Just because you were disqualified doesn't mean that you can tell nasty rumors about the other contestants!"  
  
"But it's true!" Lily protested futilely, but to no avail. She was tossed off the stage, and the focus went back to the ceremony, since Kennita was coming out onto stage now to accept "her" crown and flowers.  
  
"Oh, thank you, thank you!" Kennita said, her fake British accent obviously getting worse. "You have no idea how much this honor means to me! I mean, I never thought I would be a winner, since of course..." She grinned and ripped off the dress.  
  
"Kenny McCormick!" he finished, totally naked now except for the crown and the flowers. The entire crowd gasped with shock.  
  
"She's a hermaphrodite!" Principal Victoria screamed, pointing at him. Backstage, Amanda was fiddling with the button that she put to detonate the crown, since it was stuck.  
  
"Dammit, why won't this work..." she muttered to herself, trying to hit it a few more times. After about thirty more seconds she tosses the thing on the floor with disgust.  
  
"I knew I had no talent with weaponry-" Anything else she said was cut off by a gigantic boom from the front of the stage, and the cries of shock from the crowd. From backstage, Amanda watched in horror as Kenny's head flew high into the air, and then landed on the ground beside her with a sickening thump. She screamed and ran from the room, out into the front, where chaos ensued. Wendy, Colleen, and all the other girls were arguing about who should take place of Kenny since he died, the stage was on fire, and everyone else was running around in terror, trying to get out of the room. Amanda sighed to herself and walked out of the room, into the quietness of the hallway.  
  
"Just another day in South Park," she sighed. "Things will never be normal here."  



End file.
